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February 20, 2010
Help Save My Marriage: Steps You Absolutely Must Take toRepair Your Marriage. How do I help save my marriage? That may be the most pressing issue - once you get past the part where your spouse has been cheating on you. Stand up tall...take inventory and decide wether you really DO want to forgive and move on. If the answer is "YES" then you need to follow these steps. You REALLY need to make a commitment to follow them all the way to completion. You’re feeling rejected and betrayed, grieving for the loss of trust, love, your best friend etc. Yet, you both still love each other and can’t imagine not being together. You need to recover. Is that possible? Yes. Infidelity leads to divorce less than 50% of the time. Proving there have been many people who have been through this and survived...marriage in tact. “ It’s a process that takes work. (Lots of work) 1. Commit to saving your marriage. That might sound like a no-brainer, but the days, weeks and months ahead are going to be emotionally excruciating. You have to make up your minds now that you’re going to stick with the process, no matter what. Tell yourself, “I will help save my marriage.” 2. Insist that your spouse end the affair. Ending it doesn’t just mean they stop sleeping together. It means they stop spending any social time together or communicating at all. If they work together, and it isn’t feasible for your spouse to make a job change, then they must limit their contact to only what’s absolutely necessary for work. No chit-chatting, no taking breaks together, nothing. You spouse must agree and commit to this. 3. Forgive your spouse. This is the toughest part. You’ve been wronged, and that resentment you feel is perfectly natural. You have every right to be angry and want to see your spouse punished. But if your goal really is to help save my marriage, then you have to let it go. Think of it like this: Forgiveness is the door through which everything else – including trust and intimacy – must pass. If that door’s closed, nothing will get through, and the two of you will not be able to move forward. 4. Define your expectations for each other. Trust is about knowing that your spouse is going to abide by certain expectations. Right now, that trust is broken. Before you can begin rebuilding it, you have to re-establish what each of you wants and needs from the other so that you both know what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Don’t be vague, and don’t assume the other person knows. Voice your expectations clearly. 5. Identify the cause of the affair. Your spouse cheated for a reason, even if it wasn’t a good one. Maybe it was for that high that comes from a new romance, maybe to find something that’s missing in your marriage, or maybe just because there was an opportunity. Whatever the reason, you have to address it together, and you can’t start doing that until you know what it triggered the cheating. That means your spouse needs to be completely open and honest about what led to it – and you have to listen without being accusatory. 6. Seek counseling. Will this help save my marriage? Yes, it will. You’re going to have some problems communicating as you begin working on your marriage. There will be recriminations and defensiveness on both sides. That’s just a given. An objective third party can help mediate some of that. Besides, it never hurts to have someone you can talk to when you’re in pain. You can see a member of the clergy, a marriage therapist, anyone with some experience in these issues and who doesn’t have a stake in the relationship. None of these steps are going to be easy to follow. When it seems like you just can’t do it, remind yourself that I love my spouse, and this is what I have to do to help save my marriage.