Marriage Repair Center
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One of you wants a divorce.
The other one wants to fix the relationship
...and now there is a clash of wills.
There is tension, stress and fear.
There is fighting, finger pointing, anger, panic and LOTS of emotion.
If you keep going along these lines - you are guaranteed a divorce.
You can turn things around.
(You just need to get to the good feelings of your spouse.)
They're still there - they're just covered over by the angry ones right now
SECRET: *You cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover as long as there's a war is going on between you. If you communicate to them that you want something different> from what they want - it continues the war...and GUARANTEED...you will lose.
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Ever notice the behavior of a petulant child? The kid's angry at Mom, so everything she tells him to do - he does the opposite. "Clean your room" "Eat your dinner" "Be nice to your sister" "Be home before midnight"
The kid resents mom telling him what to do. (She's treating him like an inferior human being). He rebels. He'll do things to prove to her that he's his own person. In response, she gets angry at being ignored (disrespected) and gets even MORE demanding. "You're grounded!" So, he sneaks out. ...smokes...drinks...meets Suzy and get's her pregnant...whatever. It's rebellion. Even when little Johnnie KNOWS it will screw up his life - he does it because he doesn't like being treated like a moron by mom. (disrespected) So, he does exactly opposite of what mom demands.
Both mom and son have the need to be shown RESPECT by the other party.
When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or separation, they are automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they believe that you are on.
R E B E L L I N G
So, use a little reverse psychology. Go with them.
When they tell you they want a divorce - agree with them.
Say - "I understand we can't work this out and you want to get a divorce."
Now here are a few steps, techniques, tips, strategies and magic motions
that will show that you respect them.
These techniques will get them to show you their good feelings.
and THAT'S where you want to be.
1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.
IMMEDIATELY. Keep your feelings to yourself.
Fighting will NEVER get your spouse back...so DON'T do it.
Ask yourself a question.
Do you want them back?
Do you need to be RIGHT?
'Cuz you can't have both.
2. Agree with anything your spouse says. Agree with their feelings.
When a wife has decided to leave her husband, she has a closed mind. She has decided that this is what she wants - and doesn't want to be talked out of it. She puts her emotions in charge of the door to her mind. And when you try to reason with her, you’re telling her that her feelings are wrong. That causes her to lock the door tighter.
Just try to tell an angry person that they're wrong and watch the eyes glaze over...that's the door locking.
(Oh, and by the way - they're NOT listening).
Agree with her negative feelings – whatever they are.
“Yes, this relationship looks hopeless.”
“Yes, you will never be able to trust me again. I understand.”
Do not defend yourself. Do not justify anything you've done wrong.
Just agree, sound sincere (BE sincere) and shut up.
Do NOT say stupid things like "I said I was sorry - can't you just drop it?"
That only makes them run away faster.
Anything they say is right.
3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.
EXACTLY- as it is.
Enjoy your space.
Enjoy your freedom.
Tell them that they are correct – Yes, you were ignoring them...taking them for granted...harping on them – or whatever their interpretation is. Agree with it, and act happy and understanding about whatever it is that they want or say.
4. Date. Seriously - start dating. Work out. Get a hobby. Make them jealous. Let them know you can live ...very well... without them.
Play hard-to-get. Smile. Laugh. Act Happy. I know your heart's broken, but ACT.
This makes them think twice.
"If that guy wants my wife...maybe I'm being hasty."
5. Now combine 2. and 3. Do everything instantly and happily.
one hundred percent your mate’s way.
This shows that you respect them, their feelings and their thoughts.
It always works.
SECRET: You can’t do this for a week or two then switch back to an old nagging, arguing, bitching, shrew. It doesn't work that way.
The instant that you announce that it was all an act...
...they're out that door...forever.
You can’t do it partially. You can't agree in one conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want or why you did what you did. You have to agree with them.
Every time. Suck it up. Let them say it. Agree.
You’ve got to be consistent.
SECRET: As a side benefit...this works for everyone in your life. Children, boss, co-worker, friend and spouse.
And don't think that you will be a doormat that never gets your way...people will start WANTING to please you. They will go out of their way to make you happy.
*Because you respect them.
*Because you value them.
*Because you make them feel important.
..and they like that.
6. Do not call them 15 times a day. Do not call them at all. Don't text. Don't hang up. Don't drive by their house. Don't panic...they'll call you.
Do not call them for at least 2 weeks.
(Call us instead. We'll keep you from going crazy).
Then you can make that call. Once.
Get caller ID. When they call ...be happy...laughing...on your way out the door. Hi!! Good to hear from you - I gotta run - I don't want to be late".
7. Then later you can call them...one time.
Call and say "hi", do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk. Gotta go...don't want to be late. Do NOT stay on the phone more than 5 minutes.
Do NOT say "I love you" or "I miss you"
Professionals encourage you communicate. This is not the time for serious communication. Small talk only. Upbeat talk.
Serious talk can hurt the relationship at this time.
Small talk, Happy talk, Keep it brief. See how it's received. If it's received well, wait 4 more days before you talk to them again.
If not, wait 2 more weeks.
These steps work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.
Above all. Don't do drama. Don't get in a car wreck and NEED them to meet you at the ER. Do NOT "attempt suicide". The dramatic show..."I just can't live without you so I'll threaten to kill myself" will make them glad to be gone.
If you DO have suicidal thoughts...GET HELP immediately!
We can't get them back if you do something you can't come back from.
Divorce is NOT worth ending your life over.
These steps are in our book - along with many other techniques, suggestions and scenarios that you can follow. We also include our phone number so you can call us when you need a friend.
Stop Your Divorce